You are either staring down a set of orders or weighing whether to enlist at all with a four-year-old in the house. Either way the question is the same: what does a deployment do to a kid, and what can you actually do about it?
The short answer: most children come through it, the research finds real but modest effects, and the thing military parents themselves rate most important is not a conversation or a gift. It is whether the parent at home can hold the household routine together. Bedtime, dinner, school nights, Saturday soccer. That is the lever.
Below is what the evidence says, what it looks like at each age, the free counseling you have already paid for, and a reading list where every title and author was checked against a library catalog or the publisher.
Who this is for. This is written for the parents of military children: the service member deploying, and the spouse or caregiver holding things down at home. If you are the parent of someone who wants to enlist, you want our guides for parents of recruits instead.
What the Research Actually Says, and What It Doesn't
There is a real body of research here, and it is worth knowing what it found before anyone sells you a crisis.
The largest synthesis is a 2019 meta-analytic review by Cunitz and colleagues in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, pooling 27 studies comparing military children to civilian children and 18 samples comparing children of deployed parents to children of non-deployed parents inside military families. Military children showed more total problems than civilian children, at a correlation of 0.25. But within military families, deployed against non-deployed, total problems came out at 0.15, and the separate measures for anxiety and depression, aggression and hyperactivity were all small and not statistically significant. Being a military kid shows up in that data more strongly than the deployment itself. The authors are candid that heterogeneity was very high and most studies cross-sectional, so causation cannot be read off them.
The other finding worth your attention is a 2014 systematic review by Creech, Hadley and Borsari in Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, which screened 243 papers down to 42 empirical studies. Its conclusion: "caregiver distress was consistently a concomitant of child outcomes." Anxiety and depression in the at-home caregiver predicted internalizing and externalizing symptoms in the children, and school staff in one study reported the worst problems specifically where that caregiver was struggling with their own mental health.
The uncomfortable implication. Looking after yourself is not self-indulgence here, it is child care. The strongest single thing you can do for your kids during a deployment is stay functional yourself, and that includes taking the free counseling described further down this page.
What It Looks Like by Age
Reactions track development, not just distress. The Defense Department's report to Congress on the impact of deployment on dependent children, delivered in October 2010 under Section 571 of the FY2010 National Defense Authorization Act, reviewed the literature by age group. It is old, and nothing newer of comparable scope is public, so treat the pattern as durable and the percentages as a snapshot of the Iraq and Afghanistan years.
| Age | How it usually shows up | What it is not |
|---|---|---|
| 0 to 5 | Acting out rather than talking: aggression, hyperactivity, clinginess, attention seeking, repeatedly asking where the absent parent is. Changes in mood, appetite and sleep. | Defiance. They do not have the words yet, so it comes out as behavior. |
| 6 to 12 | Turning inward: fear for the deployed parent's safety, sensitivity to news coverage and rumors, anxiety, and a drop in school performance. | Laziness at school. Concentration is the thing that goes first. |
| 13 to 18 | Depressive symptoms, trouble with friends, falling grades, withdrawal, irritability, changes in sleeping and eating. | Ordinary teenage attitude, though it can look identical from the outside. |
For the youngest group the report cites Chartrand and colleagues, who found three to five year olds with a deployed parent showing significantly higher aggression and attention difficulties than their peers at the same on-base child development centers, holding even after controlling for the non-deployed parent's depressive symptoms and stress. For school age it points to Flake and colleagues: about 32 percent of children aged 5 to 12 with a deployed service member were at high risk for psychosocial problems, with reported distress twice the national normative level. A 2011 Journal of Family Psychology paper by Esposito-Smythers and colleagues breaks that study down further, including 56 percent with trouble sleeping, and summarizes Huebner and Mancini on teenagers: lost interest in activities, social withdrawal, changes in sleeping and eating, irritability, and grades falling from concentration problems and less supervision at home.
One counterintuitive detail from the Defense Department's 2008 spouse surveys, in that same document: teenagers aged 14 to 18 were less likely than younger children to show increased fear and anxiety, 50 percent against 64 percent of children overall. But they were the most likely to lose academic ground, 54 percent against 41 percent of 6 to 13 year olds. A teenager who seems fine may be failing chemistry.
What Helps Most Is the Most Boring Thing on the List
Those same 2008 surveys asked spouses to rate what mattered for their children's coping. Here are the top five from each.
| Factor | Active duty spouses | Reserve component spouses |
|---|---|---|
| At-home parent maintaining a stable household routine | 93% | 94% |
| Communication with the deployed parent | 91% | 91% |
| Temporary reunions with the deployed parent | 87% | Not asked |
| Geographic stability during the deployment | 86% | Not asked |
| At-home parent's support for the deployment | 82% | 86% |
| Family members' support for the deployment | Not in top five | 84% |
| Caregiver or teacher reaction to the deployment | Not in top five | 78% |
Routine beat everything, in both components. Not a goodbye ritual, not a countdown jar, not a care package. The ordinary shape of the week.
Two further details are worth planning around. Communication with the deployed parent was rated less important for 14 to 18 year olds than for younger children, so do not read a teenager's shrug at video calls as a problem to fix. And geographic stability was rated very important by 90 percent of parents of 6 to 13 year olds against 83 percent for the 0 to 5 group, so if you have any choice about moving during a deployment, the elementary and middle school years are the worst time to take it. If you are still weighing which branch to join and how often you would move, our Branch Comparison Tool is the place to start on that trade.
How Honest to Be, About Danger and About Dates That Slip
Military OneSource's guidance, last updated in September 2024, is to explain the deployment "in a way they'll understand," since "much of this is based on their age and what they can absorb." The practical parts:
- Tell them home routines will stay as steady as you can keep them, then actually keep them.
- Let school-age children help pack. Make sure they get a chance to say goodbye, but keep the goodbye brief.
- Spend one-on-one time with each child before you go, individually.
- Warn them in advance that sometimes they may not hear from you for a few days. A silence they were told to expect is very different from a silence that arrives without warning.
- Tell the school, the teachers and the coaches. They cannot watch for anything they do not know about.
Its separate guidance for extended family, dated April 22, 2024, adds two rules worth repeating: "Emphasize the parts of the experience that are normal while still empathizing with their feelings," and "avoid talking about your opinions on the reasons the service member is deployed." Children aged 6 to 12 are the group the research describes as most sensitive to news coverage and rumors, so the news running in the background is doing more work than you think.
On dates: tell them a date will probably move, before it moves. Military OneSource's teen guide notes that reunions can produce intense emotions, "especially if the return is delayed." A slipped homecoming is a predictable event, so treat it as one.
The teen guide also carries one direct prohibition. Do not make a teenager "the man of the house" or expect them to be in charge, because extra responsibility can overextend them. What it suggests instead is unglamorous: journaling, writing, art, exercise, music, and playing online games with the deployed parent.
Books, by Age Band
A book gives a small child a script for a feeling they cannot name yet. Every title below was checked against a library catalog or the publisher's own page for this article, author confirmed. Links go to an Amazon search for the title and author rather than a product listing, so you can see the editions.
As an Amazon Associate, Military Prep Hub earns from qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you.
Toddlers and preschoolers
Night Catch
A soldier working far from home enlists the North Star for a nightly game of catch with his son. Written after the author's brother deployed to Iraq. It gives a child one shared thing that happens every night.
View on Amazon → For "how long?"Countdown 'til Daddy Comes Home
A family builds rituals to count the days until a parent returns. Elva Resa reissued it in paperback on March 18, 2025 for ages 4 to 8, with countdown ideas and discussion questions in the back. There is a Mommy version, and both exist in Spanish.
View on Amazon → For something to holdA Paper Hug
A boy traces his own arms onto paper so his deploying father has a hug he can carry. First published in 2006. The point is the craft: a child who makes something that goes in the seabag has done something, which counts for a lot at four.
View on Amazon → For scary feelingsLily Hates Goodbyes
Lily's military father is deployed. The catalog summary has her coping with scary feelings, finding ways to feel connected while she waits, and rejoicing in his homecoming. Published 2011. It names the fear out loud instead of tidying it away.
View on Amazon →Early elementary
Love, Lizzie: Letters to a Military Mom
Told through a girl's letters to her deployed mother, published by Albert Whitman in 2005. Useful for the gap most of these books leave: it is the mother who is gone, and the book models the one thing a six year old can actually do about it.
View on Amazon → For prideHero Dad and Hero Mom
Companion picture books in which a child works out that a parent who is an American soldier is a superhero of a different kind. Hero Dad came out in 2010, Hero Mom in 2013. The Defense Department's reserve survey found 72 percent of school-age children showed increased pride in having a military parent; these lean into it.
View on Amazon → For missing anyoneI Love You Near and Far
Rhyming text about a young cat missing a father and a grandmother who both live far away. Sterling, 2015. Not a military book and not pretending to be, which is why it works for a child tired of being the kid with the deployed parent.
View on Amazon →Older kids and teens
I Miss You! A Military Kid's Book About Deployment
Half guide for the adult, half activity book for the child, first published in 2007 and written by a social worker who counseled military families. Treat it as a workbook you do together rather than a bedtime story, because that is how it is built.
View on Amazon → For understanding itH Is for Honor
A military family alphabet book from Sleeping Bear Press, catalogued under families of military personnel. It explains ranks, branches and military life rather than feelings, which is what an eight year old asking literal questions actually wants.
View on Amazon →One honest gap: the picture-book shelf for military children is deep and the teenage shelf is thin. For a teenager, the free counseling below will do more than a book.
Free Help You Have Already Paid For
Most military families never use most of this. All of it is free.
Military OneSource counseling. Confidential non-medical counseling for children and youth ages 6 to 17 of active-duty, National Guard and reserve members, including children of recently separated or retired members. A consultant can authorize up to 12 sessions, in person or by video, with counselors holding a master's degree or higher. A parent must attend every session for children 12 and under; for teens 13 to 17 a parent must be available at the start to consent, then the session is the teen's. Call 800-342-9647.
Military and Family Life Counseling. A separate program, for children under 18 with a parent's written consent, on or near installations. Child and youth behavioral counselors sit where the children already are: child development centers, youth and teen centers, public schools on and off the installation, and some camps. Military OneSource hosts an MFLC Locator.
Sesame Street for Military Families. A free site at sesamestreetformilitaryfamilies.org for children ages 2 to 8 and their parents, in English and Spanish, covering deployments and relocations, homecoming, grief, injuries and family caregiving through videos, apps, tip sheets and printables. The 0 to 5 group is 41.1 percent of all active-duty children in the Defense Department's 2024 demographics profile, so this is the best-matched free resource there is.
Your installation's school liaison. Every installation has one, covering grades pre-K through 12. On deployment they help with parental absence coping strategies, educator awareness of the deployment cycle phases, compliance with the Interstate Compact on Educational Opportunity for Military Children, and confidential counseling referrals. Given 54 percent of 14 to 18 year olds lost academic ground in the Defense Department's own survey, this is the most underused name here.
The Military Child Education Coalition. A charity rather than a government program, whose stated mission is to serve "the children of those who serve us all." Family-facing offerings include a Back to School Toolkit, parent webinars, intro guides, and Military Student Consultants who give one-to-one support. Check each item for cost, since the site does not label everything free.
In a crisis, do not wait for an appointment. The Military Crisis Line is 988, then press 1. You can also text 838255 or chat online. Military OneSource counseling is confidential, with the stated exceptions being "cases of domestic violence, abuse, and suicidal or homicidal threats."
When This Stops Being Normal
Moodiness, irritability and testing limits during a deployment are, in Military OneSource's own words, normal, and its advice is to "cut them some slack." The harder question is where normal ends. Its teen deployment guide gives a two-week rule. Seek mental health support if any of these continues for more than two weeks:
- Trouble returning to normal classwork and activities
- Intense or continued crying and sadness
- Depression or withdrawal
- Violent or dark themes in drawings or writing
- Significant weight change
- Neglected personal appearance
- Drug or alcohol use
If a teenager self-harms, has suicidal thoughts, or may hurt someone else, the guide says to contact the Military Crisis Line immediately rather than waiting. Nothing on this page is a diagnosis and no article can be. What it can tell you is that the help is free, that you need no referral to call 800-342-9647, and that the counselors on the other end do this specific thing for a living.
Frequently Asked Questions
The Bottom Line
Deployment is hard on children and most children get through it. The research finds real effects that are smaller than the fear, and it keeps returning to the same two levers: the steadiness of the household, and the mental health of the parent holding it steady. Those deserve your energy ahead of any ritual or purchase. If you are weighing enlistment with young children at home, this is a real cost to price in rather than a reason not to go, so work out how often your intended path deploys and moves before you sign, using our free branch and career tools to compare across branches and job fields.
One action, if you take only one: call Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 and find out who your installation's school liaison is, before the deployment starts rather than after a report card. Ten minutes, and it puts a name in your phone for the thing most likely to go wrong.